That's so Cullen!
by To.Be.Bitten
Summary: Take some Cullen's, add a few unlikely events or likely, whichever way you see it , times it by bracket 3 plus 7, plus orange juice, minus sleep and what have you got? I really don't want to know! Co-written by Skorpian672 and X..Mrs.robert.pattinson..X
1. Emmett

**Emmett's POV**

I had nothing to do whilst sitting on my bed staring at Rosalie doing her yoga. Arrgghh what the hell am I supposed to do. I had already run out of things to think about Nessie and Jacob doing stuff to disturb Edward. I'd snuck into Alice's closet and burnt 5 of her outfits with a Bunsen burner I got from school and Jasper had had to leave the house after I kept changing my emotions. SCORE!

What shall I do? OOOOOO I know! I'll count the dots on the ceiling! One, two, five, ten, three, seven, one hundred! Damn those speed counting classes! I heard Bella and Edward going down the stairs.

"Calm down, Edward, nothing's actually happened. It's just Emmett thinking about it ok?"

"But…but…it felt so real!" Edward sounded desperate. My evil plan has worked! MWAH-HA-HA. Hmm, maybe I could go push them down the stairs!

"Don't even think about it Emmett!!" yelled Edward. Maybe I could go push them down the stairs. Maybe I could go push them down the stairs. Maybe I could go push them down the stairs.

"SHUT UP!!!" he screamed. Lolz. Hehe lolz, that's a funny word. LOLZ! LOLZ! LOLZ! LOLZ! LOLZ! I heard Edward scream and Bella slammed open the door.

"Emmett! What the hell? What the hell are you thinking to make Edward scream so loudly?" she asked annoyed. Rose stood up and smirked at her.

"Yeah, usually you're the only one making him scream, right Bella?" she said. I snickered.

"Right, you want some tips lil sis?" I asked. Edward appeared behind her and crouched to spring at me. I laughed, Like he could take me down! Bring it on big boy! He snarled as he heard that thought. Bella had a huge smile on her face.

"You better run, Emmett," she advised and looked at Edward who was shaking with anger just like that stupid moronic mutt. This got through to Edward and he smirked. Bella turned around and saw his expression. She glared at him. He immediately scowled again.

"That's my daughter's soul mate Emmett," he growled, with a look of disgust on his face.

"But you hate him right!" I said enthusiastically.

"Of cour—" he caught sight of Bella's face, "I mean, what are you talking about! I LOVE that flea-bitten, mangy, scrawny pup. What's not to like?" Rosalie snorted.

"Umm, how about smell, looks, taste and generally everything about him?" she said. Woo! Go Rose! State the obvious. That's what I like about her! My babe. I started remembering last night. What a vixen! I wondered if Bella was as good as her.

"EMMETT!" Edward sprang at me, snarling. We crashed through the window and landed in Esme's flowerbeds. Shit. We were so dead. I rolled us over and bared my teeth at him. He pushed at me and launched me across the garden. I hit something hard. Double shit!! Jazz's gonna kill us for wrecking his motorbike!

"Edward!" I heard Bella shout.

"Emmett!" Rose pulled me off Edward whilst Bella held Edward back. He glared at me. _Something the matter little brother?_ I asked him. He growled. Then his expression changed abruptly. His eyes were wide as he grabbed Bella and ran with her into the forest. Weird. I turned to Rose. She didn't look as if she cared much.

"What do you think that was about?" I asked her. She shrugged, inspecting her nails. I turned back to where they had disappeared to.

"Hey, maybe—"

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY!!!?" Something barrelled into me from the side.

"AAAGH!!" I screamed loudly. Jasper was pummelling me and he was so fast, I didn't have time to react.

"STOP!" Esme yelled. We slowly backed away from each other.

"What's going on here?" she asked. Jasper and Alice pointed at me.

"That _buffoon_ crushed my baby!" he said, glaring at me.

"It wasn't my fault!" I said, "I tripped over the fairy house and landed on the see-saw which flipped up a custard pie which landed on Edward and he stumbled back and fell on the bike!" That was such a good story! So totally believable! Best one yet!

"MmHmm, you know what Emmett I would believe you if you showed me the evidence!" said Esme who was now tapping her foot impatiently.

Shit. What am I gonna do now? But that was the least of my worries. Esme was literally red and was staring at her plants and if a vampire could have exploded she would have!

"Wha…huh…you…them…EMMETT!"

"I did not do it! Why do you always look at me?" I yelled. Carlisle, who was now outside, was having a mini fit of laughter. He raised his eyebrows.

"If you didn't do it then who did?" he asked.

"Edward did it!" I screamed

"Both of you are grounded for 2 whole months!" Esme who was now on her knees staring at her plants shouted. Hmm well I guess it is better than doing the laundry.

"And Emmett! Laundry duty for that time! Go do your clothes! Now!"

Jeez for a vampire mom she was so mean. I guess I'll go and do the washing it might take a month away. NOT!

"Fine, but now I know who's your favourite!" I yelled at her. Her eyes went dark with anger. Carlisle stepped forward, slightly alarmed.

"OMC! OMC! EMMETT RUN!" Alice screamed. I turned and bolted into the forest.

***(((***)))***(((***)))TIME WARP***EMMETT*** TIME WARP(((***)))***(((***)))***

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**WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!!! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR…OMC THIS SOUNDS LIKE LOOOOOOONEY TOOOONES!**

**Duudez we are like writing this for you on the school computers. Damn I cant type!!!!!! **

**Sos anyhoos this is on skorpian672's and .To .Be. Bitten's accounts so we didn't copyright it k's?**

**WHO WANTS MORE!!!!!! We do! LOLZ! LOLZ! LOLZ! LOLZ! LOLZ!**

WE LOVE ROBERT PATTINSON aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa HEHE

NO WE DON'T YOU FREEEEEEK!

OK SHUT UP NOW byeeeeee! Say bye sadia!

I only have two lines not fair!

Dude

You rule if you leave a comment woooo now I have the same amount =]

Riiiiiiiight HA NOW I HAVE MORE MWAH HA HA!! BYEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Sophie n Sadia


	2. Emmett Again

HI GUYS! THANKS FOR ALL THE COMMENTS!

Since you left a comment yhooo roooole!

BTW ..bitten. Is no longer that she is X....pattinson...X

OMC the messenger's monster looks like a headless chicken! - Soz im weird

BTW we are really sorry about taking so long but it was the coursework. Jeez skewl sucks dudezz.

We wont take more than a week next time! We pinkilydinklyhoosdude promise you!

x

Hello pplz! WEESA BAAACK! Omg has anyone seen Star Wars? Isn't JAR_JAR BINKS the most LOLZ character ever! Yeah so, ON WITH THE STORY! Oh yeah and ty for the comments beancakes n CariDee4256 n LookAfterMyHeartILeftItWithYou

=D

Emmett's POV Chapter 2

Jeez it sucks being grounded. Esme is so mean and just to add to my work load I have to wash my t-shirt! I mean trousers, fair enough but my shirt!? What the hell! Why, in the name of vampires, do you have to wash a t-shirt? Who even invented the washy machine? Alice only lets us wear our clothes once anyhoos. I mean come on! I don't even know why we have a washy machine. Speaking of which. Huh, why do people even say that? Who wants to speak about witches? ANYHOO how do you get this thing started? Stupid buttons and dials and switches and whirry thingies that make a funny noise! Confuddling, ee-vil twiddles that are conspiring to take over human-kind with their confuddling, ee-vil ways of confuddling poor humans' minds! Wait a minute, what's that?

"OMICARLISLE! ROSE! ROSE! COME HERE, QUICK!" She hurtled through the door in a panic.

"What? What is it?" she yelled. I pointed to the washy machine.

"There's a snake behind the washy machine," I informed her excitedly. She glared at me.

"You called me down here for THAT!" she hissed. What? What did I do? She stomped upstairs, leaving me behind. All alone. LONELY! I AM SO LONELY!

"EMMETT, SHUT IT!" hmm, Edward must have come back. Great! I HAVE NO BOOOOODIIIEEE! I'M ON MY OWN!

"EMMETT! SHUT UP!" everyone yelled. Oops.

"Did I sing that out loud?" I yelled up. Alice answered.

"If you call that singing then I realise why all the animals drop dead when you hunt!" Huh? I heard everyone laugh.

"I don't get it," I called.

"EMMETT McCARTY CULLEN, IF I HEAR ONE MORE NOISE OUT OF YOU BEFORE YOU'RE DONE THEN I WILL RIP YOUR FINGERS OFF ONE BY ONE AND FEED THEM TO YOU!" Esme screamed. Psh, I've already tasted my fingers.

"And I'll make you food taster for when Jacob is here!" she added.

"NO ESME NO!" I screamed.

"ONE MORE WORD!" she threatened. Damn it. Okay, let's get that snake! Come here, snakey, snakey, snakey! Maybe if I push it out from the wall. Wow damn I'm on a roll today...well mot really technically I'm on the floor but y'no what I mean don't you lil bro. Okay anyhoozz…come here you scary, ugly little snakey poo. Gotcha! Bite.

EWWWWWW you're freakin hard and you have hard liquid in you! What the hell is wrong with you!

EDWARD! Call Carlisle we have an emergency! The snake! It's got hard liquid blood! I don't even think it _is _a snake! Omc! Edward came into the laundry room.

"Emmett, you idiot it is a wire!"

Edward, I already knew that.

Alice sped into the room and hugged my arm. Huh, she's so small. PIXIE CHILD!

"Uh, Alice, why are you hugging Emmett?" asked Edward annoyed.

Because she loves me more than you, DUH Edward! I thought. He scowled at me.

"Because now, we get to go SHOPPING!" she screamed.

"YAY!" I yelled, "What are we shopping for?" Maybe Rose would model in ToopShoop! Again! Man, she was hot then.

"WE ARE GOING SHOPPING FOR A WASHING MACHINE!" Alice squealed.

"Why?"

She looked at me despairingly.

"Because that 'snakey' was a wire and you ruined Esme's washing machine and we have to get a new one before she notices it's ruined and this is the perfect time to go shopping, actually every time is a perfect time to go shopping because I love shopping and so does everyone else because shopping is the most great, magical, amazing, unbelievable, incredible, extraordinary, excellent, terrific, superb, marvellous, fabulous, wonderful, tremendous, brilliant and amazing thing to do in the whole widest world!" Wow, she said all that in one breath.

"LETS GO!" she grabbed my arm and pulled me out to her Porsche. Man, she can grip hard. I turned on the radio.

"OMICARLISLE! I LOVE THIS SONG!" me and Alice screamed at the same time. We looked at each other in surprise.

"_You_ love this song?" we asked.

"HAHAHA! YOU'RE NUTS! THIS IS A GIRLS SONG!" she yelled.

"IS NOT! IS NOT! IS A GUYS SONG! NOT A GIRLS SONG!" I screamed back.

"GIRLS!"

"GUYS!"

"GIRLS!"

"GUYS!"

"SHUT UP AND LET ME LISTEN!"

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"ALICE, SHUT UP!" she looked horrified.

"but I want to sing along," she whispered sadly. Um, of course she can sing along! DUDE! Singing along is the BESTEST!

"Ali, just sing," I said happily.

"1,2,3,4" she screamed.

"_Sometimes things are really hairy,_

_Creeping up when you are wary,_

_Big old eyes all red and glary,_

_Creatures in the dark are...scary._

_Shh_

_Beneath the bed the ghosts are ooky  
Skeletons' bones are kooky  
Your teddy bear's name is Pooky  
Late at night he g__ets...spooky boo-ba-boo-bum-ba-dum-dum  
BOO!_

Dippity dee It's only me  
Boopity boo I scared you  
Flick on the light there's nothing there  
Everything vanished in the air

Dippity dee It's only me  
Boopity boo I scared you  
Flick on the light there's nothing there  
Everything vanished in the air

Close your eyes when you are sleeping  
Centipedes and spiders creeping  
Shadows on the walls come seeking  
In the dark you are... freaking boo-ba-boo-bum-ba-dum-dum  
BOO!

Dippity dee It's only me  
Boopity boo I scared you  
Flick on the light there's nothing there  
Everything vanished in the air

Close your eyes  
Rest your head  
Time to go to  
Shh  
BOO!

Dippity dee It's only me  
Boopity boo I scared you  
Flick on the light there's nothing there  
Everything vanished in the air

Dippity dee It's only me  
Boopity boo I scared you  
Flick on the light there's nothing there  
Everything vanished in the air

Flick on the light there's nothing there  
Everything vanished in the air  
BOO!"

"Emmett, you just killed all animals in a 30-mile radius," Alice said.

"BOO!" I yelled.

"Saw it. Get out of the car, we're here," she said. Damn, I'll get her next time.

We ran into Curry's singing. Well, I did. Alice just ran screaming. I jumped on top of the till and snarled at the cashier. The gangly teenage boy fell backwards off his chair, white with fright. I did my best King Kong impression, banging my chest going "AHEEAHEEAHEEAH! George, george, george of the jungle, watch out for that TREE!" On the word Tree, I leapt across three aisles, scattering TV's, Video Cameras and 4-in-1 printers with extra effects such laser-vision and lots of exciting buttons that you can press and all sorts of things come out, such as widescreen TV's and all the latest games console and games and orange juice that was high in Emmett-numbers and suuuuuuuggggeeeeeeerrrrrr!!!!!!!

"EMMETT, GET OUT OF THE FREAKING CAR!" Alice screamed in my ear. Dayme, that was a good daydream. I WANNA DO IT!

"Emmett, if you even _dare _I will tell Esme," Alice warned, seeing what I was about to do. I pouted. She shut her eyes.

"Can't see it, can't see it, STOP GIVING ME THE PUPPY DOG LOOK! OKAY, OKAY, YOU CAN DO IT!"

We ran into Curry's singing. Well, I did. Alice just ran screaming. I bumped into something and bounced back. I looked up and saw the most amazing-est thing I've ever seen in my whole entire long, long life. Alice bashed into me and fell down. I helped her up, still staring.

"Why did you sto-OMICARLISLE!"

"Yeah," I breathed.

"We are SO getting that!" Alice said, bouncing up and down. I bounced with her. We grabbed hands and jumped up and down screaming. An annoyed lady came over.

"Excuse me sir, miss, but may I ask you to KEEP IT DOWN and NOT RUIN MY STORE!" she said. Honestly, humans today, they're so annoying.

"Can't you see, ma'am that me and my very, very, berry sister and me are having a private jumping and screaming moment? Please don't interrupt." We went on screaming and jumping up and down. When we finished we saw a big crowd of people staring at us. A man with a badge that said George J. Ungel, Manager on it looked like his head was about to burst. Wait! Hold Everything! Step back a few paces! George J. Ungel, George JUngel. O…mi…carlisle.

GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE IS REAL! I grinned at him like an idiot. He scowled at me.

"I must ask you to get out of this-" he began.

"We want that," Alice interrupted, pointing at the amazing scene that had us jumping and screaming with excitement.

"-sto-Well then, I can help you!" George of the Jungle changed his tune

"OMC OMC we so want that washy machiney. Mr. Manager carry it to till please" Alice ordered him around. He looked horrified.

"Miss, I can't carry that. It is far too heavy!" He protested. Pshaha! Humans are so weedy. I saw through his disguise, I went up to him.

"I know your secret but don't worry, I won't tell." I whispered. I winked at him. He looked all confuddled. "Mr. George J ungle." I quoted his badge and bent my fingers. Ha! Now he looked scared. He is such an awesome actor!

"HELLO! Is anyone gonna take our washing machine?" Alice demanded.

"I'LL GET IT!" I yelled, making George of the Jungle scream loudly. I picked up the washy machine and carried it to the till. I set it down on top and grinned at the gangly teenage boy behind it. He quickly sorted everything.

"Um, would you like to get a giftcard?" he asked nervously. I spoke before Alice could.

"No, I have to get back before my mum notices that we broke our washy machine and breaks off my fingers and makes me eat them," I told him, happily.

"Um…Okay? Have a nice d…d…day," he stuttered. LOLZ! He's scared of me. I picked up the washy machine and carried it back out to Alice's Porsche.

"Alice? It doesn't fit in!" I looked at her desperately but she had a wide smile on her face.

"I will race you home, and all of a sudden she was off" Whoa the little pixie asked for a race wooooo go Ali baby. I picked up the Mr. Washy machiney "One for the money," I checked my laces, "Two for the show," I tied up my laces, "Three because it comes before four," I got into my start position, "and Here I GO!" I burst out of the car park and ran through the trees. Left foot, Right foot, Left foot, Right foot, Left foot, Right foot, Left foot, Right foot, Left, Right, Left. Left, Right, Left. Running, Running, I love running! Especially when I…ooo! A bird!

YAY! House! I see my home! I'm running home to my wife and children! Okay, not my children, I have no children. I snuck down to the laundry room with our AMAZINGLY COOL BRAND NEW PINK FLUFFY WASHY MACHINEY WITH BLUE AND BLUE POLKA DOT SPOTS!! AND LOTS OF VERY, VERY BERRY EXCITING BUTTONS YOU CAN PRESS!! WOOOOO!! LOLZ! I LUV IT!!

(30 seconds later)

We both got to the house at the same time but Alice obviously being Alice went to dress up Bella and I burst out laughing. Well I didn't burst but I laughed verily beryl loudly. Bella only gave me evils.

"Hey Bella, gonna go play bella Barbie again?" I sneered and Rosalie laughed. Bella just gave me another set of evils and tripped back down the stairs but Edward caught her. _OOOOH lover boy slash hero in the house. Sorry I got it wrong. Sexually repressed hero slash lover boy slash OMC don't look at me like that young one. Anyhoos byes Edward im guna be cool and watch the Mr. washy machiney. So ummm… oh yeah ….LOSERPOOS!_

(25.3275984 seconds late

OOOOOOh what's this? The POW-err button. OH MY GOD! It's a POW-err button! POW POW POW! OOOOOOh what does this button do? Whoa the washy machiney thing is freakin moving! Oh it's on. I am a genius! Jeez what's with these humans and their words can they just be like on or off? Humans are so freaking confusing!

"Hey Emmett, You done yet!" shouted Jasper who sounded pretty annoyed with all my emotions. LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ.

"I only just freakin turned on the washey machi-."

What was I saying damn better say it properly which really sucks it is so freakin long.

"Washing machine" Urgghr the effort. Stupid humans going about their stupid lives with their stupid words. STUPID HUMANS!

It had been two whole minutes now and my trousers and shirt was still not done! How freaking slow was this cool washy machiney? Whoa dude OMFC! Edward! Edward! Listen to me!

"I can hear you Emmett how could I not know that stupid voice?" he said annoyed.

Thanks lil bro never felt so privileged before man.

DUDE!!! The freakin washy machiney thing is spinning around. Whoa….awesome.

Round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round……

**(Five minutes and 33 seconds later)**

Round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and I'm gay and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round……

WOW I have never been so inspired before. Now I see everything much clearer. I now feel complete. I now know why Esme brought it… so she could look at it going round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round……. I shall also follow my mother's footsteps. I feel like a vampire man. AWESOME DUDE!

Huge GASP it freaking stopped! I mean come on what the hell ppppl! How do I start the magic washy machiney again? Panick Panick Panick Panick.

OOOOH the genius has thought of something no vampire has thought of before! BTW Edward if you can hear me I am the genius! LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ.

Maybe if I press the POW-err button. Press. WHOA it is freakin works! Wooooooo dude im so awesome. GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! GO ME! GO ME!

"Emmett…honey…sweety…-'dude'- look I gave you this chore to…..-" Esme was red and was violently shaking – again like that mutt. LOLZ LOLZ LOLZ.

"Hey mom look I wanted to apologize for everything so I thought I would buy you a new washing machine with your credit card. Oh yeah it has a thing called super turbo wash. Sounds cool huh?" I nudged her but she was still red but then went pale again.

"Hang on…. wait did you just say it has super turbo wash?" she started bouncing up and down like my little pixie sister. I nodded.

"AAAAAAA OMC your ungrounded emmett eeeeeep I LOVE You!" she pecked me on the cheek and for five and half hours and 30 minutes and 29.76384960521 seconds we sat their watching it going Round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round Round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round Round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round.

WE were so cool! Now I knew I was her favourite. And Machiney was mine.

EDWARD! Just so you know George of the jungle is real I saw him he is so totally my idol apart from Robby Rotten but Anyhoos um yeah.

….. Hey…why is my t-shirt so small? I only washed it 172 times… freaky washy machiney.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________****=P__________________________________________

Okay so that is the whole Emmett part done it was sooo fun!

I hope you like it.

Next up we are going to be doing Carlisle's moment when he feels slightly evil in the hospital room when he goes to fetch some blood for a patient!

OOOOOOOOH what is gonna happen?

To make up for not updating in forever we made this externally superbly duperly long for you! Over 3,000 words!

OMCOMCOMOMCOMCOMC lolz!

Anyhoos we will have the next chapter up by next week on Wednesday or Thursday the latest. PROMISE!

We will do disclaimers in the next chapter. We don't own twilight Stephanie Meyer does although we do have the books from water stones……..LOLZ

BYE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=D - I am not disturbed! =S

YAYZ! YAYZ! YAYZ! WE DID IT! WE DID IT PPPPPPPLZ!!

Our chapter is now out and we made it the most longest chapter we've written in this whole 2 chapter story so far!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!

(sadia is disturbed!)

OMC! WAT WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY! Ok um, that maaaaay not happen but we will try!!

SHOPHIE! =D

We love Robert pattinson and I shall marry him mwahahaha

Hahaha now I have 12 lines

Loser

14 lines

X

15 lines

Yayay

18 lines

SHUT UP! U are sooooo childish! BYEZ GUYS!!

If you read all that then you should find better stuff to do with your time baii

Shut up I just know how to have fun loser! Poobum

20 lines

=D

22 lines

We hate Robert Pattinson SAVE! SAVE! SAVE!

I am the 1 marryin him so ohwell - 23 lines


	3. Rosalie

**Heeeeyy! How you all doin peeps! Rose is here! Or there or wherever WE GOT A CHAPTER OUT! Woot woot partay!**** Plus Merry Christmas grab a couple of pumpkin pies for us ;)**

**Hi DUUUUDES ****..SUP? **

**ANYHOOS WE ARE LIKE SO SOZ FOR SAYIN ITD BE UP IN A WEEK WEN ITS BEEN A YEAR xd HAAHAHA ooh caps soz for that too **

**Anyway yeh heres the furst chapter of rose and we promise that we willl right continuously like loads but we don't guarantee itd be up in a week its take a bit more than a few **

**ANYWAYYYYY heres rose and enjoyyy **** AND LEAVE COMMENTS AND GIV US IDEASSS CUZ WE WILL STOP LOL!!!!!! Haha so leave comments ppls **** Oh yeh merry xmas guys **

**DU UR THING SOPH UPLOAD THIS AMAZE PIECE OF RITINGG ;) xxx **

I snuck through the dark into mine and Emmett's room. I whipped my head around really fast from side-to-side. Whfoot. Whfoot. My amazingly, soft, long, spun-like velvet, silky, soft, long blonde hair flew around my face. Okay, so that wasn't necessary. It's just fun. Okay? STOP JUDGING ME! Rose, calm down, you're talking to yourself again.

Anyway, why would you want to judge me? I'm just one of the most beautiful, talented, gorgeous, beautiful, amazing people in the world. Well, actually, I was brought up not to lie so I wont. I am the **only **person/vampire who is this beautiful, talented, gorgeous, beautiful and amazing. *Sigh* I feel sorry for those frail, ugly, greasy-faced humans.

"No, Edward, don't go please," Bella said in her sleep. Stupid, frail, ugly, greasy-faced, pretty human. I heard Emmett come up the stairs.

"Rosie, baby? You up here?" he called. No, he can't come in here! I panicked.

"Emmett, don't come in! I'm…er…I'm sick!" I coughed weakly whilst mentally cursing myself. Vampires don't get sick, why did I have to say that! No one will believe it.

"Oh, do you need some medicine? I can bring up a glass of water if you like."

Mind you, this is Emmett I'm talking to.

"No babe, it's fine, just doesn't come in. I'm very contagious and I don't want you to catch it too. I'll just rest and I'll be right as always tomorrow, kay?" Please, please be ok with that.

"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly. Is he ever going to leave?

"Yes, I'm sure, just go away!"

"Alright, get better soon hon, love you."

"Love you too," I called impatiently. He finally made his way back down the stairs. Ah, Emmett. I love him but he can be seriously dumb sometimes. Of course not that I minded him being dumb it just kinda got on my nerves.

Anyway back to what I was doing with my amazing strut I strutted over to the bed and with my hand which had the newly manicured nails. Gosh stupid humans were so thick they did not even know what a '' was how could you not know that? Well anyway back to what I was dong jeez I was so distracted by myself! Back to my mission!

My beautiful hand and manicured nails picked up the bed and there it was. The door to my dreams. – Gosh it sounds so like weird but seriously it is so amazing I can't even like contain all the like…like….like total excitement! I opened the trapdoor and as I did there they were. All polished and pink! PINK I KNOW!!!

I walked down the steps letting my fingers trail the pattern on the wall as I had just come to the bottom of the stairs. There she was. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Blonde. ME!!!

There I stood my hair up in a ponytail and loose curled strands coming down cupping my face. I turned my torso around so that I was facing the largest mirror and what could I say. I was speechless. I was simply beautiful.

I strut myself to the pink throne and sat down and just stared at my self. Sigh. I definitely do feel sorry for those humans. Grease faced monkeys. Hamm.

_**Two hours later**_

Sigh I certainly was drop dead gorgeous. I better go up stairs now the others were probably thinking where I was. I took one last glance at myself and boy I certainly was speechless. I made my way back up and closed the door locked it and put the key in my back pocket. I took hold of the bed and placed it back and just as I was about to re-do my foundation I froze I knew I shouldn't have told Emmett I was ill.

"Rose darling, can I come in?" Carlisle spoke softly and instantly I realized what I had said. Vampires only died two ways.

1st - they got ripped to shreds and then burnt.

2nd – GULP! They would live up to a certain age and then maybe fall sick and then die. – And I passed that age yesterday!

"ermmm Carlisle im fine really I bet Emmett's overreacting again but you can erm come in if you want" I said nervously. What had I done!?!

_You told my husband you were sick. You're baaaad, you're eeevil, you must be punished! Bring out the torturing devices! _

Is that my conscience? How is that possible? I don't have a conscience!

_What am I then, chopped liver?_

Huh, cool, I have a conscience, I shall call it Oliver!

_Whaaat!? You can't do that! You're a girl which means I am a girl because I am you, you vain, egotistical, socially suicidal VAMPIRE! _You're MY conscience, I get to name you

_Why can't I choose my own name? _

Because babies can't choose their own names and because you've just been born. Besides, I don't like you

_I AM you _

I don't care

_I wanna choose my own name!_

Honestly, you're worse than Emmett! Fine, what would you call yourself?

_The Most Awesomest Coolest Amazingest Magnificantest Astonishingest Cleverest Smartest Largest Incrediblest Gigantosaurusest Wonderfullest Inspiringest Dizziest Funnest Astoundingest Stunningest Conscience To Ever Walk The Earth._

…

_Or MAC-A-MAC-SLIG-WID-FAS for short_

…

_So, what do you think?_

…Are you sure you're not supposed to be Emmett's conscience?

_He would be so much more fun than you are_

Oh shut up, go play PowderPuffs

_OOO__ that's totally what we should do! Lets go ask Emmett if he wants to play!_

SHUT UP!!

"Um, is this a bad time?" Carlisle asked nervously. I looked at him surprised.

"Did I say that out loud?" I said completely embarrassed. I looked at the door and sat down.

Carlisle entered the room and went over to the bed with his medical kit in his hand with his car keys in the other.

"Rosalie….Emmett said that you were not feeling well mum ill?" said Carlisle feeling slightly uneasy.

Great sometimes I just wished that I could disappear or at least read his mind jeez ok yeah I loved me and im glad im more beautiful than the rest but seriously come on!

"Carlisle im perfectly fine I was just trying to get some alone time and I only said that to get Emmett away from me. I guess I shouldn't have said that because now everybody is probably all worried and all so yeah im sorry dad." I apologized in one breath.

"Rosalie just don't do that again you really had us all worried you know and you wouldn't know what it would feel like only having on daughter because of losing the other one so next time please be more responsible. Apart form that I gota go to the hospital now so bye rose and take care….please" and wit that Carlisle left the room.

Wow. Well what do you know I was loved ha-ha well with a face like mine who couldn't love me?

_Hey__ again it's the MAC-A-MAC-SLIG-WID-FAS here. I just wanted to say you should appreciate what you have in life like a family like yours I don't even have that I only have a voice and I look like you but I don't know that I don't have a family!. Well come to think about it I do! O M GEEEEEEEEEEY! I HAVE A FAMILY!!!!!!!_

Ummm you're a conscience you don't have a family…what is with people and consciences today what is it like dramatic day speech day? Urgh honestly.

_Look here girlfriend I do have a family ok! Wanna know there names??..... Wait you don't have the right to answer that ill tell you anyway ok! _

_Ok so at the moment im going out with Emmett of conscience._

_My brothers are Edward of whom may read thy mind and Jasper which feel ones feelings of consciences and my sister is Alice of the future see-er conscience-er._

_My mom is Esme of conscience and my father is doctor of conscience of Carlisle. _

_Pretty sweet huh? _

Ummm I think im going to ignore that im just going to go down and do whatever. Seriously what is wrong with the dang world today is what did I say before?

_Oh you said '…what is with people and consciences today what is it like dramatic day speech day? Urgh honestly.' If you must know and by the way it is not dramatic day speech day it is Friday the second of February. _

JEEZ leave me alone!!! Im going to rip you out of my head in a minute!

_HEHEHE you __can't rip me out of your head to simple reasons…_

_Explanation slash theory of mine number one. I am invisible which is so totally cool_

_Explanation slash theory of mine number two. I am your imagination! _

NO YOUR NOT YOU'RE A LOSER AND IM NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH YOU ANYMORE I DEMAND YOU TO GET OUT OF MY HEAD NOW!!!!

_Look lady I told you I cant just get out of your head you need to upset me but you wouldn't dare so yeah your going to have to put up with me sweetie._

You wana get hurt huh well put this in your thick brain – if you have one – YOU HAVE NO FAMILY MAN GET A LIFE!

_Ok that was just deep. You cut me real deep im not talking to you anymore. *Sniffles*._

Wow heh im cool and mean and gawjurrrse. Oh well whatever im going down.

*no response*

Weird I got no response I wonder why. Myeehh! I dun care, Ima go stare at that gorgeous gal again.

**Back in da mirror room of Rosalie LUUUUURRRRRVVVEE!**

HOT DAWG! Look at her! I have GOT to get to know her better. She is looking FIIIINNEE!!

Oh yeah, it's ME! Sigh, I am amazing. I am gorgeous. I. Am. Fab. You. LUS!!

Hey maybe I could get some Rosalie-slaves to brush my hair—ooo, that angle is looking good today! Mmm.

So yeah, they could be like mini-me's except not as pretty or gorgeous or amazing or fantastical as me. OOO and they could play MUSIC in honour of my greatness!! Like that song, by that band, with the girl in it.

_Oh that's reeeaaall informative!_

Oh you know the one! The girl with all the plastic surgery!

_Aqua?_

NOOOO that's a disgusting colour!! Me like PINK!!

_The singer?_

NO! You stupid conscience! The colour! Pink, glittery sparkles…just like my teeth and my eyes and my hair—ooo, shiny, silky, smoothness.

_OKAY ENOUGH ABOUT YOU! Let's talk about something interesting…_

I AM interesting!

…_philosophical…_

Let's not

…_beautiful…_

Good, we're back on subject, my hair _is_ looking rather great today isn't it?

_I wasn't talking about YOU! I was talking about ME!!_

Pfft, like you matter

…_I am offended._

I don't care. Go away. Go dance with your Emmett of conscienceness land.

_Yeah, well, YOUR FACE!_

Is looking mighty fine today!!

--

Good, it's gone. Back to my mini-me slaves. They'll have shiny blond hair, but not as shiny as mine of course, that's silky, but less silky than mine, and is v. soft, but not as soft as mine because my hair is DA BOMB BABY!!

And they'll also have perfect noses and faces but not as perfect as mine because I am HOT! OOO! Maybe I could get mini-Emmett's to stare at when he's hunting! Mmm, images.

So my mini-me's will basically be lesser versions of my perfect self…but smaller! Time for some celebratory beautifying…

**30 minutes later**

OOO! I get to NAME them as well! Hmm, hard. I know! I'll call one of them Mini-Rosalie 1, another one Mini-Rosalie 2 and another one Mini-Rosalie 3 and carry on like that. Sigh. I am soooooo perfect!

Anyhey, what is that thing in my hair...Is it moving...But...I...NO FREKKENG WAY!!!!!!!

I ran up the stairs then out of my amazing chamber and then into the hall way and then down the stairs and then through the kitchen and then through the laundry room and then hopped across the sofa and then jumped over my brand new heels – btw Gucci and they are just amaze! – and then finally skidded to a halt in the living room where EVERYBODY was staring at me in just a matter of 2.45678907 seconds.

- Ok like seriously I know im gorgeous and everything but like why was everybody staring at me as if like they were about to laugh? I mean like?

"ESME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I screamed at the top of my lungs even though she was right in front of me.

Esme stood up and looked as if she was about to laugh at me, "yes honey?" and let out a tiny snigger.

"I…I…I need to talk to you" I said trying not to let the tears roll out of my eyes.

Okay vampires don't cry but ya know what I like keeping my mind dramatic ok and that's the way I is roll... eww did I jus t say I is?

Ok like OMC these beasts in my hair were so making me sound like Emmett.

"Sure thing, what's up?" she asked me perkily… ok something was up she doesn't sound perky like Alice unless she's up to something…hmm.

"I need to speak to you privately" I emphasized the word deliberately.

"Okey dokey pokey honey" and she smiled at me and led me into the back garden.

"Esme…Mom…I…I…I think I have…nits…" I looked up at her ashamed under my beautiful long lashes which I had only just curled a few hours ago.

She looked at me almost bright red in the face and then she like OMC she like…Laughed?

Okay what the Carlisle man?

"Mom?" I asked truly pissed off and feeling slightly confused.

"Sorry Rose baby it's just that" (paused to snort and took a deep breath) "They are not nits" And she burst out laughing and rolled over on the floor. I looked up not sure what to do and I realised everybody was standing behind the bench laughing at me and pointing.

That set me off.

"THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT ESME? AND WHY ARE ALL OF YOU LAUGHING AT ME? SOMEBODY BETTER ANSWER ME STRAIGHT AWAY ONCE I HAVE FINSHED THIS SENTENCE OTHERWISE I WILL DO SOMETHING HORRIBLE TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!!!!!!!" I said panting and gasping for my breath.

Jasper stepped forward and snorted then went on taking a few more steps and the said still half laughing…

"Rosalie did you not read the back of that new hairspray can you bought a few days ago"

"No…why?" I asked slightly shaking ready to shout again.

This time Alice walked up to me to stand directly in front of me and it seemed she was the only one who had composed herself enough to not laugh when she talked to me.

"Babe the side effects definitely took a toll on you…you got the worst kind of moulting there is" She said with a huge smile on her face.

"Carlisle I don't understand?"

"Rosalie it seems that your hair is going to fall out during the next few days and that you are going to have to go under some surgery." Carlisle said with concern plastered all over his face.

That's all I can take and there is only so much that I can take. My vision went all blurry and I blacked out…

****

Okay not really I just closed my eyes and was just thinking about what everybody had just said.

****

Okay I'm going to open my eyes and everything will have been a day dream. I opened my eyes…

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed and took off into the forest running as fast as I could and not turning back once. It wasn't a dream I was really going to have surgery!

Well that was a good chapter im well pleased ANYWAYS THANKS FOR READING AND LIKE PLEAASE COMENNNNT


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